My liver just broke up with me...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
