She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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