it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
