My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
