I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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