You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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