so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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