the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
