I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
