I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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