please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
