No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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