Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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