Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
