We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
