I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
