My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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