I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.