I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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