To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
