Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I enjoy the company of your penis
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