We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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