4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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