You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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