i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
