if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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