do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I deserve this hangover.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize