The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
