First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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