we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
