put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
