If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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