May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
