Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
