I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
