Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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