That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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