If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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