In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
