I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
