I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He keeps bees of course he's weird
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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