eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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