just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
