I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
