He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
