that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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