Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
