I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
