I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
