We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
