Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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