i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
