You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
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I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.