So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.