Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
