fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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