happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
