Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
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My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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